Friday, March 15, 2013

Losing The Baby...

3 years ago today we lost him or her. 

I went in for my 10 week check up on the 12th ...I remember my midwife telling me that my uterus felt normal...and asking me if I was sure my weeks were right.  

I remember thinking...."why is she asking that.....I'm 10 weeks along"

We couldn't find the heartbeat....she told me not to worry just yet....that it was still early yet to hear it....but deep down I knew something was wrong....

I had to wait the entire weekend before the ultrasound to confirm my fears...
I remember seeing the baby on the screen....whew....see I knew everyone was wrong.  Only problem was there wasn't a heartbeat...and instead of the baby being 10 weeks....he/she was only 6w 3d. 

The tech said she was so sorry....I don't really remember much after that....surely they were wrong...I had 4 easy pregnancies before this one...they just made a mistake....

I just wanted to go home.

For 10 weeks I have been dreaming and planning and getting ready for this baby.....In my mind we were already a family of 7.

Hubs left for work and Lily and I went home...I remember going into the bathroom sobbing/crying/yelling.  My heart was broken....I wanted my baby!

The pain in my heart seemed unbearable and I remember those telling me that had been through it it would get better.....How could that be?

But....they were right.  Time helps heal

Even though I wanted that sweet baby more than anything I knew if it didn't live something had to have been wrong.....and I wouldn't wanted him/her to have suffered here.  

A few months later we were pregnant with Reid.

I was a nervous wreck those first months....begging...willing him to stay....I needed an ultrasound at 7weeks to confirm he was still there and ok.  Here was my angel baby Reid!!!


He is the light of our lives......but that didn't make losing his sibling hurt any less.

And then came Cole....another sweet blessing making our family a perfect 8.  

Sometimes I want to say I have 7 children....(but I keep it to myself)  

Even though she or he didn't make it long, they were still apart of me and will always be my baby!

They were wanted before they were conceived and still thought of today!  

Here are the 2 crazy kids that followed our sweet loss!  Being 18 months apart I hope they stay best buds forever!


Kate from said...

Sending prayers your way today.

Dianna said...

Saying a prayer for you.

jen said...

I totally get not knowing whether to say I have seven or eight kids. It's hard, but it's a hard that mellows with time.

hugs today

Camille DiPaola said...

I have lost two at around 6 wks...the pain is almost unbearable. I completely understand! We have to count our blessings though, don't we? :) Cheers.

Meagan said...

I can't believe it has been 3 years! I remember that like it was yesterday! I bet you do too. Have you read heaven is for real? The boy that goes to heaven sees his sister his mom lost that his parents had never told him about. Reassuring to know you will get to hold your baby someday. Ugh, I know that we were so excited feeling all too well.

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